Relationship with Mother

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Imperia
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 2:14 am

Relationship with Mother

Postby Imperia » Tue Sep 12, 2017 7:26 pm

Hello, this is my first post. I came to this forum because I don't have a good relationship with my mother. I never could trust her. She seemed to enjoy revelling in my misfortunes. I know that she never liked me and even told me that I was the worst baby. I disappointed her because she thought I was going to be a boy. When I came out with red hair that made it even worse. I started dying my hair blond when I was 9 years old. I felt her shame as if it were my own.

My mother and I no longer speak. It's a long story, but I had to cut ties for my own mental health as well as for the safety of my son. My question is, how can I move past this? Every holiday or birthday makes me shudder at the prospect of having of talking to her. The fact is that I could never talk to her. She was duplicit at best, and down right vengeful at worst. I believe that she was jealous of me because my father openly favored me. My sister and I also never got along until she moved out of the house. I feel like I was born into the wrong family, but why? What kind of lesson is supposed to come from this?

On my mother's side of the family, there is a predisposition toward schizophrenia, especially with the women. She has 10 brothers and sisters and they all have or had emotional problems. Their father left them to start a new family. I believe he left because he was a traveling salesman and found an opportunity, but somehow he rationalized leaving because the kids were "bad" and couldn't be musically trained. He had a fixation that one of his children should be a music prodigy and become rich. My mother often made comments that echoed of her father's voice, "why can't we have talent in our family?", "oh look at her play the piano, I wish we had a child like that" and so on...

My father came from a similar background but much less repressed. My parents have a toxic relationship which is codependent and fake. He has cheated on her less than he wanted to if he could have, but nonetheless, he cheated on her whenever an opportunity came and she could ignore it, actually she could delude herself into believing that everything was proper and that she was ultra moral, but it was all a sham. The moral injuries that I received growing up still scar me in a way where I can't trust anyone. But I know there are good people out there and I believe that I deserve to have healthy friendships with trustworthy people. I just haven't found this yet.

Thanks for reading. God Bless!
"The quickest way to heaven is to go through hell." -Carl Jung

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