LadyB's dance with cancer

[coyotemist]

LadyB so love seeing your posts, and glad that you are doing so well. Glad you have this time to heal and recover. Blessings!

[Leaf]

... just popping in for another big hug, LadyB!

[LadyB]

indeed....
So yeah. I'm doing better and better. Getting more strength back (I just MOVED, BUILT a platform bed and just today made a retaining edge for my shady garden, but wow....when I'm done, I'm DONE. When ye olde bodypackage says ENOUGH....that's IT, folks. ONto the bed, laptop on de lap and CHILL. I've gone from "I CAN'T" to "I DON'T." I simply do NOT push beyond my limits. The genius surgeon say A WHOLE YEAR for ANYthing we'd call recovery and it's only coming up to six months since the LAST surgery. I'm not gaining any weight, which is fine by me. 118 is quite OK at 5'3". My belly is FLAT although a trifle 'puckery' at the scar. But even the 'stem to sternum' scar grows lighter as time goes on.

I still can't handle vegetables well at all except for root veggies or roasted peppers with no skins. With only 2/3rds of the length of my original large intestine, it's going to take a long time for my gut to RELEARN how to handle roughage with that whole 'department' gone. I managed to get some dandelion greens into my face by cooking the bejeezus outta them with potatoes and blasting away with the blender on a stick.

I really LOVE my new living space, now I can very easily go out FOR A WALK, as I have a city park RIGHT beyond my back fence. That's GOOD. Walking is the BEST thing I could be doing. My back still just gives up when I've done too much. Hey. I was basically in bed or on the couch FOR A YEAR......

But NOW I have one more hurdle to get through. THIS is the ONE thing every CancerWarrior has in common - dreading the next TEST. I have to get through one more CT scan probably mid-June, but I will INSIST that we NOT do the iodine contrast. It's made me really sick the last two times and I just CAN'T do that to myself again. I just can't. They'll HAVE to come up with something else. If this CT comes up clean and clear there will be MUCHO celebrating and they'll probably leave me alone for another YEAR. If there's ANY concern about ANYthing.....well, I just don't want to think about that. But IF there is, I'll be heading to my ND oncologist before I'll do any chemo. Just my choice.

But for now, things are very, very GOOD.....
LadyB

[RoseRed]

It is so wonderful that you're able to live again instead of just existing!

Wishing you continued recovery!

[Fethenwen]

Wishing you all the best!

I just read the whole thread because I haven't been on this forum for QUITE A WHILE, I did not know you went through all of this until now. What a relief to read that all went well in the end, hope you will continue to heal without any further complications!

[Narayani]

Got the cheering squad lined up over here. We're focusing on a clear CT scan. You go girl!

[LadyB]

The SCAN is scheduled for June 12, but then I can't have my appt with my surgeon who is ordering it until JULY 27!! But the GOOD news is that he said we can do it WITHOUT CONTRAST. I was freaking freaking OUT considering drinking all that iodine swill again that made me really sick the last two times. Huge WHEW on that. I just can't even CONSIDER doing things like that to myself any more. Just CAN'T. I'll have the radiologist report AND the actual CD of the scan sent to my ND oncologist and will probably be able to have a followup with her before I can get in to see HIM. And hopefully, that will be IT for a good, long while.

[Lady Alinor]

Fingers and toes crossed!

Was reading in Susun's 'Breast Health' book about taking a 'favorite' scent to stressful appts/procedures. She mentions someone taking Vanilla with her. Any scents helpful for you?
(I'm having a hard time choosing between Gardenia, Lavender or Myrtlewood).

[LadyB]

You know, it's really interesting, I was SO aware last year of being in a state of the HORRIBLES that I avoided basically all scents so as not to ~imprint~ them with the stressful ordeal. But a friend did bring me a bunch of fresh sage while I was in the hospital for SOOOO long last summer and I literally slept with it IN the bed until it dried enough to start crumbling and it was very comforting. For general jitters, I've always found Sandalwood to be really calming. Even though I got the Iodine contrast OFF the table, which was my Big Trigger for this upcoming scan, I may need a hit of sandalwood on the way over......good reminder.

[RoseRed]

I love a combination of rose and jasmine. I find it relaxing, strengthening and comforting.

[Lady Alinor]

The last three chemo 'consolidation' hospital stays I've taken a different scent with me, hoping to find the 'right' fit.
Chemo messes with a persons sense of smell and taste....warps and blunts and frustrates

[LadyB]

Did they 'work'? I remember what just plain old DRUGS did to my senses, especially taste. I had the first surgeon HOUNDING me to eat and I couldn't stand the smell or taste of ANYthing. And with massive rounds of abx for both the C-diff and MRSA, I wound up with thrush in my throat which is QUITE the horror when it comes to eating. As soon as you DO eat anything, it gets stuck in your head and you can't stand another bite. You just don't appreciate little things like taste and smell and AN APPETITE until they disappear. And the RELIEF when they return lasts FAR longer than the initial assault. I can't TELL you how often I do a chorus of 'Oh that tastes SOOOO good.' over the silliest things. (something to look forward to)

Don't want to sound like a commercial, but the most CONSISTENT relief throughout this ENTIRE ordeal has been Belleruth Naparstek's imagery CDs. They just transcend WHATEVER is going on. I've been using the affirmations half of the Successful Surgery as well as the Healing Trauma one. They're amazing. (www.healthjourneys.com)

"I know there are times when I become worried, fearful, sad or angry and I acknowledge and accept what I feel as my inner truth at the moment."
"I know that the more that I can accept and allow what I feel without criticism or blame, the more I allow my body to be well."
"More and more, I can soften and release my emotions, once they are acknowledged. I can send them out with the breath in the interest of my own wellbeing"
"More and more, I can consider the possibility that my body is teaching me something useful that these circumstances are challenging me to learn and change and grow."

BEAUTIFUL stuff......

[LadyB]

And so I WENT for that CT scan, assuring myself that I’ll be FINE so long as I don’t have to do that contrast. And I WAS fine….until one line on the paperwork:“Past Surgical History”….. don’t ask a PTSD patient to DO that…..as I started to write, I could feel tears working their way UP and by the time they called me in, the tears were in my eyes and just wouldn’t stop. You change into a little scrub-suit and another man and I were ‘walked’ together like strange prisoners down the hall to the NEXT waiting room. Two women IN that waiting room were trying to get the iodine swill down. Just seeing THEM was pushing my buttons. I was called first and just wasn’t doing well at all. The TWO techs commented that without the contrast, this would be a breeze and I felt obliged to tell them the other ones weren’t a breeze, that one required that the dye be put INTO the stoma and basically I exploded…….I tried to calm down, but putting my hands behind my head (again) and being ‘loaded’ into the donut where your elbows JUST touch (again) was too much and the tears started to flow. There was no control to be had. It WAS over quickly and the tech looked concerned over my tears and I brushed it off as ‘just’ PTSD, flapping my hands like Mike Meyers when his character gets ‘all verklempt’…..but my own comedy wasn’t cutting it.

I went back to the changing cubby and lost it. Just put my head in my hands and cried trying really hard to be quiet and to stop. I had to go back out into the waiting room and get my parking ticket stamped and get to the blood lab without upsetting everybody. Again, lots of concerned looks……

I got to the blood lab, but could feel I was REALLY nervous. My right foot now jumps when I’m losing it and I just let it BOUNCE. I had purposely chosen a DIFFERENT lab for all this so as not to TRIGGER myself with all too familiar settings, but the tech THERE was one I’d had before up at the other PeaceHealth lab. She has a very high, recognizable voice. I told her I’m a little PTSD’d out, having spent ONE HUNDRED DAYS in the hospital during 2011, and she just kept doing what she’s doing and then said ‘and a little PINCH…..’ and the SECOND that needle went into my arm, I closed my eyes and put my hand over my mouth and cried. Another tech walked by looking all concerned. I told her I’m not hurt, I’m just crying.

I left quickly and cried on the way home, feeling truly damaged and out of control. While everyone applauded my ‘release’ through tears, it didn’t feel like any release at all. All I could feel was my inability to control tears in public. That’s scary.

I spiraled DOWN all week. Especially the day after, I managed to make another trip back to the old place (I just CAN’T seem to FINISH this confounded move) and had quite a time being there alone and angrily throwing empty boxes around. I didn’t unload the van when I got to my new place, but went to bed in pain ALL OVER. Everything was a horrifying struggle all week. I just couldn’t get back on track, couldn’t enjoy the new place (it’s now horribly cluttered with mountains of stuff I don’t have room for) and the WORRY was eating away at me.

I pretty well convinced myself that without the contrast, this scan would be a waste of time and I was facing either REALLY bad news or kind of NO news, all inconclusive and we’ll have to do it all again in ANOTHER six months. I was allying with California Poppy throughout the week to get through the anxiety (nice stuff, that)

And so, YESTERDAY was the appointment with my ND oncologist to review the results and I was READY for a lot of nothing.

I sat in HER waiting room literally twitching all over. Foot was jumping, I was wringing my purse strap in my hands. She comes to get me and asks how I am and I ask HER how I am! She didn’t know that none of the test results had been sent to me.

Then come the words:

“Oh, you’re FINE! You’re BETTER than fine! There’s absolutely nothing on the scan at all that anyone is concerned about and your blood work is incredible.”

This is what I shall call the “Carry On Card” and I just GOT one.

Yeah, OK, the radiologist noted that the evaluation is ‘limited’ due to the lack of contrast dye….(and made note of the presence of my ever-returning uterus AGAIN – however, my gallbladder is ‘surgically absent’. ) But he went point for point, nothing in the liver, nothing but some diverticula in the intestines but with NO diverticulitis, everything else is clean, clear and happy. Just, as every one of them has noted, some degenerative changes in my spine, but still, no ‘destructive lesion’.

And the BLOOD WORK! Hey. Let’s hear it for grass-fed beef. ALL my levels of EVERYthing are solidly within normal range. OBVIOUSLY I’m absorbing all the goodies that GOOD animal protein has to offer. Because I have NOT been a good girl about the vitamins. MAYbe twice a week and fussing all the way. And every foray into fruits and veggies takes my otherwise POIFECT bowel movements into loose-ville. Go figya, I’m THRIVING on the Truck Driver’s meat and starch diet!

I’m good.
I’m FINE.
I’m OK.
wow.

So WHERE is all the back/abdominal PAIN coming from? Most likely adhesions. NOW I need to get serious about two things. Keep that pudding MOVING. Don’t let those adhesions get STUCK to anything. Lots of oiled massage. Hip circles while brushing teeth and get out there and WALK!!! And yes, PTSD hurts. All over. I’ve even re-considered that. While, at the time, it ONLY felt like the horror of not being able to control my tears in public, and not the RELEASE that so many voices thought it was, IF I remember how incredibly WISE my ‘self’ is, it was more an acknowledgement of the medical HELL I went through for SO long and that DESERVES some tears if someone tries to do it AGAIN…..even if I’ve had six months ‘off’. It’s ok, I just cried. I didn’t HIT anybody.

And now, with some official assurance that all is well, I can ~listen~ to my very wise body without the flinching that it MIGHT BE…… and GIVE mySELF what I need to keep on healing. Nice project, that.

My oncologist sees me suffering more from stress than anything else and NOT to discount how STRESSFUL moving is. No matter how good the new place is, it’s STRESSFUL. And I have a ways to go - a LONG ways to go, before I can get this new place back to being inviting, functional and in order. I have muscles to strengthen, gardens to plant, papers to sort, and TIME to do all that.

So there ya go. GOOOOOOD news.

[RoseRed]

I'm so sorry that the day was so difficult for you. I'm thrilled that the results were great!

[anita]

Hi LadyB ~ I'm sorry to hear about the PTSD. Glad to hear you and the results are otherwise well. Onward and upward... Love and healing to you.